Luxotek boosted

only slightly less embarrassing than tearing your rotator cuff from wiping your ass - again

only slightly less embarrassing than tearing your rotator cuff from wiping your ass - again

@CartoonBangover

you'll just have to look it up and see what happens and why your bicep mass comment made me think of it i guess

@CartoonBangover

you ever see that mythbusters where they made a meat man and put him in an old school diving outfit with one of those huge brass helmets?

@rigatonimonster

sign of life? LOLZ
my hearts stomping out a steady 130-155bpm all day long and i'm completely dead inside
rofl.. sign of life

thinking about becoming the old guy that 30 minutes into a long boring meandering story about fucking nothing always comes back to the story 6 tangents later with

anyway, long story short

i think my dad senses are tuning themselves as time goes on to be able to yell at my kid and wife from an entire other room for farts much like my thermostat sense has grown to be able to sense someone elses kids thinking about touching another dad's thermostat

cause i'm not farting and i'm alone in this room but someone is and it's terrible and i don't know why i can smell it

as i've broken squarely into middle age in the last few years, i've noticed my home taking on a medicine cabinet and old man fart smell more and more regardless of how many boxes of incense or how much febreeze we use

pretty sure 70% of that smell is my subconscious fucking with me since 99% of the people who come to the door comment on how good our house smells (like a new age shop is my fav)

but i'm not willing to risk it

so as soon as i'm left unsupervised i'm burning it to the ground

was looking at new thermostats and judging them by how angry i'd get if someone touched it

Luxotek boosted

fucking turn me inside out and throw me down a salt mine

Luxotek boosted

holy shit. can someone fucking drop kick me into a black hole already

Luxotek boosted

can someone please drop a flaming piano on me till i'm a pile of mush

Luxotek boosted

someone want to make a voodoo doll of me and voodoo me right off a very tall and jagged cliff... please?

Luxotek boosted

can someone come help me flush all my toxins with this glock 19?

Luxotek boosted

can someone please just come obliterate me and turn me into a fine mist already

Luxotek boosted

for fucks sake.. someone come turn me into a wet stain on the sidewalk

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someone fly here and run me over with their rental car till i'm nothing but a fucking puddle

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any one know of any tombs that need opening? i'm down for dying from some ancient curse.. or even better.. booby trap!

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Olds Town

No hate. No harassment. Use CWs.