thinking about becoming the old guy that 30 minutes into a long boring meandering story about fucking nothing always comes back to the story 6 tangents later with

anyway, long story short

i think my dad senses are tuning themselves as time goes on to be able to yell at my kid and wife from an entire other room for farts much like my thermostat sense has grown to be able to sense someone elses kids thinking about touching another dad's thermostat

cause i'm not farting and i'm alone in this room but someone is and it's terrible and i don't know why i can smell it

as i've broken squarely into middle age in the last few years, i've noticed my home taking on a medicine cabinet and old man fart smell more and more regardless of how many boxes of incense or how much febreeze we use

pretty sure 70% of that smell is my subconscious fucking with me since 99% of the people who come to the door comment on how good our house smells (like a new age shop is my fav)

but i'm not willing to risk it

so as soon as i'm left unsupervised i'm burning it to the ground

was looking at new thermostats and judging them by how angry i'd get if someone touched it

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fucking turn me inside out and throw me down a salt mine

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holy shit. can someone fucking drop kick me into a black hole already

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can someone please drop a flaming piano on me till i'm a pile of mush

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someone want to make a voodoo doll of me and voodoo me right off a very tall and jagged cliff... please?

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can someone come help me flush all my toxins with this glock 19?

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can someone please just come obliterate me and turn me into a fine mist already

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for fucks sake.. someone come turn me into a wet stain on the sidewalk

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someone fly here and run me over with their rental car till i'm nothing but a fucking puddle

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any one know of any tombs that need opening? i'm down for dying from some ancient curse.. or even better.. booby trap!

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i'm running out of clever ways to die to try to entice someone to murder me here...

there's half a jar of pickles in it for you if you can just make sure it gets done before there's another justin beiber album

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same goes with acid... is it too much to ask for like a sandalwood scent while i dissolve my problems along with my face?

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i'm a huge piece of shit i wish someone would come along and kill me in the most violent and hilarious way possible

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can someone please put me in a duffel bag and throw me down some stairs please.. 30.. 40 floors oughtta be good

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need a roll of tin foil, a trampoline, and some high tension lines please

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Olds Town

No hate. No harassment. Use CWs.